Instructions on Giving a Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Thoughts On Cats

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."
- Lazarus Long,

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
never washed a cat."
- Franklin P. Jones

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
- Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago,
cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and
get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments,
but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil,
and cruel. True, and they have many other
fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ...
I miss him sometimes."

A Dog And A Cat

It is reported that the following addition to the
Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea
Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the
question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden,
you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you
anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for
me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will be
a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know
I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you are and will love you as I do,
in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam,
and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom, and all the good names
are taken, and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created
this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to
him and to Eve, and loved them.

And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's
guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and believes
he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved,
but no one has
taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem!
I will create for him a companion who will be with
him forever and who will see him as he is.
The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Weather Report

If you would like to know what the weather is like outside, go look for the dog . If the dog is barking and is all wet, it is probably raining.

If the dog is barking and is soaking wet and scratching real loud to get in, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's ears are standing up and his fur is sticking up all over, it is probably very windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it is probably snowing.

Of course to be able to tell the weather like this, you will have to leave the dog outside all of the time even during bad weather. But it works! Trust me!

Signed: The Cat

The Difference between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,
pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house,
pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

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