Catholic Dictionary - By Father James

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows
the rest of the congregation to lip sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung
in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass,
often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability
to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIESON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics
can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

PEW:
A medieval torture device
still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation
at the beginning of Mass
consisting of:
altar servers, the celebrant,
and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession
at the conclusion of Mass
led by parishioners
trying to beat the crowd
to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long,
they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list
not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish
who don't know the seating capacity of a pew