THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language.
A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches.
When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house,
women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding
that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation,
for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist,
sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept
bookings from international terrorist organizations -
even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers
and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter
explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings,
especially if any of their family or friends have died in bizarre accidents.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner
who is their total opposite.
When they are alone,
all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If there are suspicious noises at night,
never EVER take a flashlight or weapon with you to check them out.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter
or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chain saw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road
but at the person sitting beside you or
in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur
will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty,
it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other,
the more likely they will fall in love.
© Tina's Prayer Gate
July 31, 2012